Marrying A Filipina...

You May Be Married to a Filipina if . . .

her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk.

your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize.

most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker.

all her relatives think your name is Joe.

your house isn't on fire, but there is a very charred fish right on top of the stove burner.

even the ketchup tastes weird . . . very weird.

you throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.

all your kids have 4-5 middle names.

your in-laws call you "that white guy."

you try to call her up on the phone and someone tells
you "for a while" and you actually understand what they mean.

she says ate her peer is dareful.... and you actually understand what she means.

she sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on.

the rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget.

all her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai Lama until they got too faded.

she gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees.

your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's 2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised until they turn 21.

all your postage bills instantly double.

the only "white meat" she likes is You, and that's if you're lucky . . .

her favorite sauce is called patis, Americans call it turpentine.

she can eat and talk at the same time, in fact that's her specialty!

her favorite meal is leftovers

she goes to the movies just for the AC.

all the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they were grown at Chernobyl.

your in-law's first visit lasted 5 years.

she washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom.

she uses an umbrella even if its not raining.

her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is "1001 New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gonna Throw Out"

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: you are pretty proud of
yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself
some unique, rare, tropical goddess type until you go
to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from
anyone else in the whole country (unless she's taller
than 5'1", then it's a bit easier).